I tend to write updates when things are going well—when I feel hopeful, steady, and inspired. Writing when I’m struggling feels much harder. There’s a pull to make everything sound encouraging, even when my thoughts feel tangled and my heart feels unsteady. But that wouldn’t be honest.
The truth is, I am not “all that.” I am not always upbeat or inspired. I struggle. I question. And sometimes, I feel the urge to pull inward and be alone.
This past week has been one of those weeks—an emotional and mental rollercoaster. There’s a lot I’m trying to sort through since my appointment with Dr. Kominsky, a lot I’m waiting to hear from the Lord about, and if I’m honest, there are moments when I simply don’t want to face my reality at all.
I am deeply grateful for the people God has placed around me—an army of prayer lifting me up, covering me, and carrying me on the days I feel weary.
This week, I have been surrounded in ways that have reminded me of the Lord’s tender care over my life. Through friends, family, and even unexpected conversations, He has made His love known in very personal ways. Some brought laughter that lightened heavy moments, others gently called me back to truths I have stood on before, and still others shared stories that quietly stirred hope within me. I have been encouraged to lift my eyes, to remember what God has done, and to keep my heart anchored in what is true. I am deeply grateful to Father God for the way He has met me through His people, and for the community He has placed around me as a living expression of His faithful presence in this season.
“The Lord is near to all who call on Him.”
—Psalm 145:18
I wish I could say I always think and respond rightly, but some days feel like a steady uphill climb.
Right now, I’m back in what I’d call the “discovery phase”—a term I remember well from my years working in law offices. Over the next couple of weeks, I have multiple doctor appointments scheduled to explore a new path forward, along with a PET scan to make sure the cancer is still contained. This season is about gathering information and prayerfully discerning how to walk through a battle I didn’t choose.
Some days I have to remind myself that I have cancer. Other days, I can’t quite believe it. And then there are days when I find my footing and think, Okay—this is real, and I’m ready to fight. I expect that between now and the end of the month, my thoughts and emotions may continue to ebb and flow.
What I’m learning—again—is the importance of drawing myself back to the Word, to the declarations and prayers I speak daily, and to intentionally realigning my heart with God. When my thoughts feel scattered or heavy, I return to His invitation to be still and remember that He is God (Psalm 46:10).
Staying present doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m learning that His presence is steady even when my emotions are not. I hope that, over time, this re-centering continues to come more quickly—that the highs and lows linger less and less long. I believe this, too, is part of the refining process the Lord placed on my heart last month.
Even here, in the uncertainty and the waiting, I am not without hope. This season is teaching me to remain present—to stay with the day God has given me instead of drifting into fears about tomorrow. I am learning to trust God in new ways, not only with the outcome, but with the process itself: every appointment, every question, every emotion in between.
I don’t need all the answers right now. I am continuing to learn to listen, to be still, and to place each step—just for today—into His hands. He has been faithful before, and I believe He will continue to meet me here, sustaining me with His presence and leading me forward one day at a time.
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