It’s been 16.5 months since the cancer diagnosis and I still find myself occasionally experiencing thoughts like “Is this really my reality?” I experience wonderings of what it will be like when I am considered NED (No Evidence of Disease) and then I have a flash wondering if I actually will experience that and then another flash of things going downhill. I immediately rebuke that thought because nothing helpful will come from entertaining that thought and doubt and fear are things I am intentionally giving a death blow as soon as I recognize it. I then have a series of thoughts like, “None of us know our appointed time.” And, I find myself feeling a sense of gratitude because this experience heightens the urgency for being as fully surrendered as I know how to be to the Lord and ready to hear His welcoming voice when I cross over to be with my glorious Savior. Gone are the days of my youth where my life, my days, were taken for granted. All my life I have said and hoped my time would come in a flash and I wouldn’t know what happened to me. I was thinking about that today. I was also thinking about how God often gives us the desires of our heart, the desires He puts there and there are some hopes or desires we have that He doesn't because His ways are not our ways, they are SO MUCH BETTER. Then I found myself thinking about the benefit of the journey I am on, that I get the blessing of making sure all is well with my soul. This journey gives me a sense of preparation, whether I am miraculously cured one day, whether I live the thriving cancer warrior's life for the rest of my days, or whether things take a turn in a complete other direction… a sense of preparing myself and my loved ones. I get to choose to love the precious ones that God has put in my life a little more than I might have if I were suddenly taken, being intentional a little more with making memories, but most importantly growing in being bold in my faith being a little bit more and prioritizing my Jesus so much more.
As I sit here, I wonder if this week will be my turning point where I can cut my IV treatments in half, from twice a week to once a week when I receive the results of the Chromogranin A test… or… will I need to suck it up and keep going and trust the Lord just a little bit longer for that day to come. The idea of having to continue at this pace is feeling overwhelming and tiring… as much as I love my IVNV family, I relish the idea of less needles and some financial relief. As I start to experience the weight of all this I am humbly and tearfully reminded of a declaration I added recently:
Matthew 11:28
Jesus, I come to you, weary and with heavy burdens, and You give me rest. I receive your yoke. You teach me because You are humble and gentle at heart, and I find rest for my soul. For Your yoke is easy to bear, and the burden You give me is light.
And as I remember and declare this beautiful passage, weight lifts and I know I can do whatever is needed, whatever it takes because I have my Jesus walking with me in this. I often thank Him for being my courage and strength and for giving me the wherewithal to do things I once thought I couldn’t or at least didn’t want to do. I just love Him SO MUCH! And, I find myself ruminating on that throughout the day and in my sleep. Oh what peace He brings me. I know, for a fact, I couldn’t be doing most of what I am doing without Him. When I feel tired and weary He carries me until I have the strength and energy to walk it on my own, not that I ever really carry any of this on my own. We (humans) are funny creatures thinking we can carry our burdens on our own.
Some of the weariness, I can tell, comes from the purging that is happening in my body… I feel more tired and weary after my various detox protocols. With that said, I am increasing the Ivermectin beginning today which means I am watching for increased die off symptoms… With all this cleansing it’s a time of my body going through some difficulties as part of being cleansed and free of the toxins that are making me sick. It amazes me to realize how similar the process is for healing emotionally and growing spiritually, of which I am also tackling at the same time. My counseling days can be some of my more exhausting days as we explore deep seeded beliefs that don’t serve me well, address them and purge them. As I continue to go deeper with the Lord, spiritually, my soul feels the weight of being purged also of wrong beliefs, attitudes, intentions, and motivations before it feels the light of freedom. Growing physically, emotionally, and spiritually is not for the weak of heart. I am especially grateful these days lately as I have been feeling the presence of the Lord increasingly. Oh what a comfort He is. Yes, that is so comforting, especially in these crazy times we are in with all that is going on in the world.
P.S. I don't know why Blogger does this to my paragraphs, making some double spaced and others single spaced. I don't have it in me to go dig in and try to figure it out... so if that sort of thing bugs you like it bugs me, oh well.
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